Alexithymia
by Annabelle Rae
Summary: You wonder how things would have turned out if you just said anything.


**Dedication: **For **Cara **_(**Mishaa** on FFn) _because if not for her, I wouldn't have stumbled across this insanely awesome manga, nor would I have been a yaoi fan.

For **Maria **_(**this. pen. is. red** on FFn, without the spaces) _because she ships this beautiful pairing too, and she celebrated her birthday last 25th. A late birthday present from me. Haha.

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**Author's Note: **My first yaoi, KNB, and AoKuro fic. Oh, and I haven't written anything since last August, so I apologize in advance for the quality. Not proofread by anyone, either. And screw my profile description stating that I won't post anything besides Gakuen Alice on this profile. I'm too lazy to switch accounts. :P

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**Disclaimer: **No, I do not own Kuroko No Basuke. If I did, Aomine and Kuroko wouldn't have separated, I swear.

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You wonder what would have happened if you just said something. Just… _anything._

Maybe he wouldn't have left. Maybe you'd be shining now, brighter than anyone could ever dare to be, with your shadow behind. _Your _shadow… that person you came to love. He who was always there with you, wherever you went.

_Tetsu._

He did promise, didn't he? He said he'd be with you. You counted on him, believed him, bound him with his promise. He was supposed to be with you now—not playing against you.

_But take a look at reality. Where exactly is he?_

He stands there, so close to you, doesn't he? A slight movement, a single jerk of the arm, and you'd be touching him, feeling his skin. Didn't you love that feeling of his body so close to you? So close, that you could hear his every breath and feel his every move.

Not this way, though.

He's playing in the same court as you, just like old times. It isn't you, however, who serves as his light.

Well fuck everything fuckable, really. You wonder if you're just that stupid, that replaceable, that weak. You want to know what you are lacking, because damn, no matter how much you ponder on it, you couldn't _fathom _how he could have replaced you so easily.

In terms of basketball, at least, he needed you more than you needed him. You could do without him, but not him without you.

But why is it like this, now? He seems so… happy. So carefree. As if it isn't you he is facing. As if you're just another one from the Generation of Miracles he longed to beat.

It was as though you didn't share memories together. Like the Tetsu you've come to know—and to love, although you wouldn't want to admit it—is different.

You seemed not to matter, and you do not know if that's what hurts the most.

Everything you used to share in the court—those extraordinary passes of his that, supposedly, were _only _for you; fist bumping, which was your thing; and that laughter, that joy, that look in his eyes when he plays with you on the court… you believed that they were supposed to be for you. You _wanted _those to be for you.

It bothers you to no end, yet it doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

Because shit, it hurts so much. He does _all _of that with that Kagami brat when why, he doesn't even amount to _half _of you. He doesn't deserve to play with Tetsu, much less become his light. It just isn't right.

_You were the light._

You hoped that that fact wouldn't change. You wanted that to remain constant, to stay forever.

You thought he wouldn't leave. You thought he'd understand. You thought he'd stay with you, not matter what.

_But no. Just… no._

You aren't with him now. No matter how much you wished that things would stay the same forever, they didn't. Back then, didn't you dream of a future of you and him—just the two of you—together? Wasn't that why you asked him, hoped for him, to come with you to Touou? You had so many dreams… so many plans.

But they broke. They crumbled.

They shattered into countless pieces—shards too sharp that they pricked you and made you bleed every time you tried to pick them up. You wanted to restore that painting in your head of you two together, but it proved to be impossible. Not only that, though. You couldn't even bear to reminisce those times when you two were together, because it just creates a fucking pang in your heart. Screw that. It feels as though your heart is taken from your chest, and squeezed until nothing's left of it anymore. It hurts that much. Because every time you try to remember, all you see are remnants of a beautiful masterpiece called _"what used to be"_, and all you hear is the sound of your own heart breaking over and over again.

And so all you could do is pretend that your feelings for him in the past were make-pretend. You can do nothing but pray you could turn back time, because if you could, you would have said everything you wanted to say. You wouldn't have taken him for granted. You were wrong not to tell him how you felt when you had the chance. If only you could turn back time, you would have made sure that he knew and he felt that you _loved _him. If that were possible, then maybe, just maybe, all the crap you've gone through after he left you wouldn't have happened.

Because you know, deep down, that everything had been your fault.

You were a fool for wishing he'd stay by your side forever, yet when you felt him slipping through your fingers, you did nothing but let him do so.

**_END_**


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